Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Here I Go Again

Third times the they say. But wait, does this just apply to marriage? Or no..that's "three times a bridesmaid, never a bride." So "third times the charm" applies to all things? I think so. At least I hope so seeing as how this is my third blog.

My first one had a good run from 2007-2011. It got me through my teenage and young adult life:

(Hi from my 2009 self)

 My second one I started last year in an attempt to provide myself a creative outlet once I became a stay at home mommy. That blog had it's issues from the very beginning.

When I started it, I wanted a title that was clever, different, and not of a mundane "life of a stay at home mommy" variety (not that there is anything wrong with this title). I didn't want to define myself as primarily a stay at home mommy because I felt that it was a little to....ordinary.

So I dug into my love of literature and titled the blog accordingly, even making heavy literature references throughout my posts. As I ventured further into the blog, I started to loose interest, my posts became further apart. At the end of it's duration my posts only totaled to maybe...ten. I eventually gave up.

I still had a desire to blog and even found myself thinking "hm...I want to write about this" but just didn't like the blog I'd created. I finally figured out way. It wasn't me.

Sure, I love literature, always have and always will. I was the quirky college kid, curled up on the couch reading Jules Vern and loved that version of me. I use to read a 500+ page book in one night. My current read, I've been working on for months. Obviously my love of literature has been bumped down the priority list. Still there! Just no longer making the top of the list.

 I LOVE being a student and plan to obtain my MSW, but that's not who I am at the moment. So my blog obviously couldn't center around that.

I loved claiming my independence before marriage. As a matter of fact, at one point in life I decided I wasn't going to get married at all. I took great pride in my claimed independence. I supported myself through college, changed my own oil in my car, and wasn't afraid to try anything. All of that changed when my childhood crush came back into my life and swept me off my feet (that's a story in itself)

(Our first picture together back in 2011)

 While I'm still very much a feminist and cherish my independence, can still change my oil too ;) it no longer defines who I am. I am a woman head over heels in love with her husband and totally appreciate our shared dependence on each other. So my blog couldn't scream independent feminism.

I realized I might still be clinging to past versions of myself. Versions that are still a part of me, still define me, but can no longer stand on their own. I was having a hard time blending it all together and getting to my current self. A wife and stay at home mommy.

(The day we came home from the hospital)

That's who I am right now. That's not ALL of who I am. I'm still a literature lover, independent, aspiring social worker. But right now, at this moment in life, my main priorities lie with being a wife and mommy. And I'm perfectly fine with that. Most days.

I LOVE this life I lead. I love my amazing husband. I love being his wife. I'm glad that's part of my definition now. I love being a mommy. It is the most affirming feeling of worth when my little one reaches for me, because I'm his mommy. I'm his safe place, his constant and he needs me. It's my job to provide all of his care and keep him safe. Now a little affirmation would be nice when he's throwing squash all over the kitchen walls, but...we'll get there. I hope.

I'm working on learning to love the current version of me. Whatever that may be. It's going to change again, I won't always be a stay at home mommy. And I'm sure when that time comes, I'll have difficulty adding a new component to my many faceted self. But I want to love all of life's moments, regardless of who or what I am. Because this life I lead is beautiful and full of love, laughter, and joy. It is blessed daily by the undeserved goodness of my heavenly father.

This is who I currently am:

A wife and stay at home mommy, who at the moment, is blogging in her bedroom floor while the baby naps. Who, from the looks of this picture, needs to get her eyebrows done (yikes!) and should actually be cleaning house. So I'd better go.

I hope you decide to stick around and humor my ramblings. If not. That. Is. Fine. I'll continue writing for the sake of my current self ;)